God Give Him Will
by Harlequin de Rustre
Summary: An oddball fanfic writer's first attempt at fanfiction. READ THE FINAL CHAPTER FIRST!
1. The Thought has begun

Okay, real quick, so proctors and slobbering agents of doom don't hunt me down and kill me:

**Disclaimer: I own jack of Naruto materials. Please try to forgive my fallibility. (I also apologize for my abrasive writing style.**

-----------------------------------------_Introduction_-------------------------------------

Konohagakure

Uzumaki Naruto.

Age17.

With spiked blond tresses, of the decent height of five-foot-eleven, having more-than-lightly muscled physique.

Wearing black sweat pants with white-rimmed orange clouds at the cuffs, a black T-shirt with the cuff ripped off, platinum armlets with black snakeskin coverings, heavy combat boots.

Bearing a glimmering sun-shaped scar on his left bicep, black whisker marks on his left and right cheeks, a hidden complex demon-seal on his abdomen, and the expression of one that comes from being admired, fantasized about, cherished, and stalked constantly: pure _**mischief**_

Is currently being chased. By whom, for what reason, and to where, one would ask. He is being chased by rabid fan-girls of various measurements of age, size, weight, attractiveness, and popularity, eager mothers and fathers, male "admirers", a mixed company of assholes, jackasses, and stupid hooligans, and some stranger.

He is being chased by the girls and the admirers for his sex appeal and assorted rumors of his prowess in bed. He is being chased by the mothers and fathers for his rich heritage, good looks, great personality, fine values, his money, _and_ his strong sense of morality (of course they were hoping to marry him off to their sons and/or daughters). The mixed company of miscellaneous trouble-makers is chasing him for the chance to prove themselves and discredit him. Only one has another reason.

The "fan club" is chasing him till he slows down enough to be caught and finally fought over. The parents are chasing him till they get within earshot so that their pleas could be heard clearly. The morons are chasing him till he hits a dead end with high walls. And that single other person will chase him for rest of eternity if that is what it takes to have him listen.

This is happening at noontide, so Naruto has a limited number of places to hide in successfully. The group is too expansive to dodge successfully. There are too many to totally lose. The group is too many in numbers to pull off a large scale genjutsu, even an extremely short one. The sun is too high to hide in _any_ shadows. The group's spread of the city is too wide to **shunshin** away from. In other words, the huge crowd is just too big to get away from.

Now that you know what's going on and why, let's switch to the point of view of our favorite knucklehead!!

Naruto

'Ah, hell, I'm screwed.'

**'You and your ego… when the hell are you gonna learn that there is more in life than your oversized assets, kit?!'**

'What assets? If you mean my glamorous personality, sparkling wit, gorgeous bod', and humungous—

**'Head. Honestly, you could have just had a peaceful morning with no real surprises other than the hinata girl finally gaining enough courage to tell you about how much she admires you - - without fainting afterwards, I might add. Instead, you go and "accidentally" declare that "the sexiest teenage shinobi" was eligible. If you had half a brain, you could have taken that lovely girl then and there and have been done with this whole charade.'**

'But I'd have to give up my single status and have to protect Hinata from an assortment of attacks and barrages from hordes of blood thirsty girls - - and guys. Ugh, I hate the guys part. Why do I have to have muscles _and_ fashion sense?! I should've remained with the "jumpsuit of humiliation" as you called it and relied on my charisma.'

**'But then you wouldn't all those groupies you so love. By my mother's blood-soaked love, why in the nine hell gates do these girls have to be so strange?! The other day was what really convinced me of your lack of sanity. _"Can you sign my ass ? " _That was - - Is - - one of the most depraved, Definite-evidence-of-Lack-of-Brain, _idiotic_ things I have ever heard come out of a human's mouth, and you yourself have said some lines that were pretty imbecilic in your life. For instance… your former catchphrase: _"believe it !! "_ That doesn't come too close to that slut's request, but it was pretty strange. Thank the titans you finally gave effort to break the habit. And on the subject of stupidity, why in hell's inferno did you actually sign the girl's hindquarters? That was sillier than the request!!**

' 'Cause I could.'

**'You are the most insatiable human being I have ever known.'**

'I know'

**'You say with smug confidence…'**

'Hey, you didn't argue when Jiraiya took me under his wing, or when I accepted that porn mag subscription, so what is this big stick up your ass? Huh?'

**'Your habit of tomcatting is fine _in moderation_, but when it's too out in the open, one would end up with severe injuries from scorning one too many a woman's chastity. And with media coverage and high gossip sensationalism, you lead a severely taxing and nonexclusive lifestyle. '**

'You're just jealous. By the way… you seem to have a good head on your shoulders most of the time, so I'm thinking this kinda contradicts your "true nature", being a feral spirit of nature and all.'

**'I have been attached in your body, mind, and soul long enough to see a lot and gain a larger vocabulary, the main source having been your constant talks with the Sandaime, but I have mainly been extremely intelligent for the entirety of my existence. You humans just suppose that beings without civilization and/or intelligible language are unrefined. This is not so. For instance, why are magpies always stockpiling their treasure troves in the same spots? Why do wolves have territories and packs? And exactly how do predators know when there is a rival breed nearby? Bestial advancement is just more subtle and less obtrusive upon other beings.'**

'So basically the animals are smarter than humans? That's really such an uplifting fact. I can see it now: "Hello Mr. Squirrel, could you help me with my Math homework?"'

'Don't be so cynical - - or depressed; only animal spirits rival the intelligence of humans. Otherwise it would be a severe disadvantage.

'Great, so the evil humans oppress the poor little forest critters? Aww, it's so tragic…

**'Two things: one, you are overreacting, and being judgmental, and _two_ - - _LOOK out!_'**

Naruto nearly crashes into a merchant's wagon that just happened to have been creaking its way along a perpendicular route to the chase. Seizing the opportunity, he quickly slides under it.

The crowd rushes to the other side to catch him, but to no avail. All that was there were a sandy street and the owner of the cart, rushing to defend his vessel. They spread out to search for him, hoping to catch him slinking off down some alley.

Little did these people know that Naruto has great patience, which after years of endless training and mental strain, and is currently clinging to the wagon's underside as it is creaking its snail-like pace down the dusty avenue.

Chouji & Shikamaru

Naruto wakes to the sight of his good friend Chouji's feet. The smell of meat and exotic spice assaults his senses as he assesses his surroundings. It is obviously nearly dark as the street lamps are quietly being lit along the avenue.

Chouji is wearing a blue short sleeve shirt with thick brown denim pants and cow suede butcher's apron with deep blood stains on it. The boots he wears are of the same material as the apron, but more blood stains to the point where it looks painted. His headband that indicates his affiliation with Konahagakure's ninja squads is riveted into a black velvet strip and is currently being tied to his massive right bicep. He also has a tool belt with a varied assortment of cutting tools, all of which look deadly and sharp.

His hair is combed back into a rough ponytail and a light beard is neatly trimmed extremely close to the jawline. A massively ripped physique lightly strains against the confines of his clothes, only interrupted at the waist where there is a protruding gut from a hearty lifestyle. Naruto observes all this as Chouji stoops to speak to him directly.

"Alright, you can get your ass outta there, they're gone... "

groan

shuffle-shuffle

roll

stand

"By the way, as payment for my saving your famous butt, I offer you the lovely task of carrying in the beef and pork I have in the wagon into the kitchen so I can prepare it. I'll be needin' your help, seeing as Ichiraku's and a few other food places chipped in for a huge order for supplies. Shikamaru's gonna help your sorry hide, so don't you worry about gettin' lonely out here. The wagon's door is unlocked, the beef's in the iron meat locker this time, seeing as the stainless steel one's been broken since Konahamaru blew the circuits in an attempt to reinforce the walls with chakra to help keep pests, bacteria, and other nasty plagues upon humanity away from the meat. It worked nicely, but at the cost of the feeling in his feet and intense exhaustion, not to mention the wires blew from the overload of energy. Anywho, before I get off on an extensive rant, I'll get back to cutting up that huge side of ox before the flavor starts leaking out!"

goes inside

"Okay… looks like I've got my work cut out for me. Better get started"

" Heyy, wha'z goin' on?"

"Get down from there, sleepy, and I'll tell you."

Nara Shikamaru, Konahagakure's lazy genius shinobi, notorious snoozer, and now the current spymaster of Leaf Village's Anbu Black Ops, jumps off the giant cart to land lightly on his feet. As he straightens up, Naruto observes the various features of the young man.

Shikamaru has taken a taste to black and white clothing in recent years, much to do with his profession and his technique. He wears a creamy-white flannel shirt with ivory buttons and pitch-black silk lining the cuffs and inside collar, slightly baggy black jeans with the kanji for the five elements (earth, fire, water, wind, and void/heaven) stitched in various places in silver thread, held up with a rough gray lizard skin belt with a steel buckle in the shape of a dragon's maw, dark brown combat boots of similar design to Naruto's, but with steel toes, and a Leaf Village ninja headband with maroon lining tied to his thigh.

He had left his mask at home, for obvious reasons, and has decided to let his hair down save for the locks in the front, which have been braided to within an inch of their lives and clasped by two silver lizard rings. He sort of looks like a bored Neji, but due to Shika's distaste of the Hyuuga's grandiose look on things, he takes this joke not-so-lightly; the last idiot to make that comment within earshot of Shikamaru ended up being found the next morning strapped to his bed, with a squid hook embedded in his anus, and various insults sprayed on with indelible ink.

After that incident, his notoriety went through the roof and even travelers from afar know of his drastic reactions. An unexpected plus was a "bad boy" reputation that increased his sex appeal to the point where there are constant searches for him. Fortunately, though, this did not affect Shikamaru's lifestyle at all, for he usually takes his naps in precarious places like the nose of the Sandaime's engraved face at the Hokage Memorial. A/N: I don't know if that's what it's called, other than the "Hokage faces", which isn't much of a name to be revered.

"So what's going on with you lately, Shika-san?"

"Ah, nothin' much. Usual crap with fan girls hanging off of me. Usual crap with fan girls needing _things_ signed. Honestly, it's like they --"

"--have no dignity?"

"Exactly -- Hey… since when are you a mind reader?"

"Well, I've known you for years, I've gotten the same sort of attitude, and there is the minor detail of me _**having the same problems**_."

"Har-Har, wotta riot. But I have one extra ass-pain on my hands now. Ugh"

"What is it this time? I mean, it can't be that much of a pain in the ass."

"You have absolutely _no __**idea**_. Ino and Temari are proving the sad truth that I'm taking after my dad. They are really going to be a pain when we _come of age_. Y'know, the tender age when one can smoke his brains out and drink his sanity away _and_ fuck his senses away. In other words, year 21, the year of total abandon. Temari's tastes probably are somewhere on the rough and in-need-of-rubber-bones side whereas Ino probably wants to be a dominatrix and other kinky crap."

"It's not that ugly. You could have had Sakura on you as well."

"Eh, that would be impossible. Even though Sasuke is somewhat coming out of the closet after that fling with Neji, she still obsesses about him. I think she may be more of a pervert than even Ino, and that's a stretch."

"You wanna talk about perversion, you should talk to Ero-Sennin; he knows all about that kinky crap, seeing as he is the manga artist and writer of that Icha-Icha rag.

"Ah, give him a break. It's not like he's showing this stuff to the public."

"Wanna bet? One time when Jiraiya and I were on a journey in the land of waves, we stop at a local bar to gather information. Nearby, some pretty-yet-creepy bitch was complaining on and on and on…and... on… and-on-and-on about how her boyfriend couldn't satisfy her in bed because he knew very _basic_ sex positions. Her tirade was so loud and crammed with sexual innuendo that mothers from twenty _yards_ away were steering children a further distance away. Then Jiraiya walks over to the girl and rattles off a long list of sexual positions with summarized detail on each one, in disturbingly perfect tempo, with troubleshooting quips if a particular position was not effective. While the barkeep was laughing his ass off, which is totally normal, but the girl was in rapt attention, which is understandable to a degree, while her friend had out a notepad and pen, which was really strange. I was just standing in the background, like a rod was up my ass, with the twitching sensation of my eyebrow preparing for take off and a blush that would make a cherry look pale. In all honesty, it was, and still is, one of the most disturbing moments in my life. Top ten, probably. Right after witnessing Tsunade in a bath with a big rubber duck and seeing Hinataaaa………. Let's leave that last one as a secret, shall we?"

"Yeah, let's. I've seen some strange things too in this village. The worst could have been seeing Shino and Ten-Ten fucking on a festering tree stump or the time when I saw Kakashi open his apartment door, and some woman was tied to the wall by his bed."

"Those are pretty weird. Anything really new? Other than the fact that this village is probably the center for the universe's perversion?"

"First, let's get started with the luggage before Chouji comes with an axe for our heads."

"Right… I call dibs on the big one!"

"It doesn't matter, they're all pretty big. Except for this giant boar that was too big to cut in any of the local slaughterhouses. It's completely impenetrable to all of the rival butchers. The best they could do was skin it, remove the head and hoofs, and remove the intestines. Everything else is still in there, 'cause the bugger has a lot of heavy, juicy muscle marbleized in with the fat, so this is a job for the only butcher who has assassination training, seeing as the extreme stuff is essentially butchery in of itself. Add Chouji's jutsus -which were practically made for this kind of thing- to the mix and he will be the big money-maker in this town. Just you wait until next week; he'll probably have to cut up elephant meat!"

both laugh

"So, as you got from what I told you, we will need to work to bring that sucker in. If you noticed, that's why Chouji almost didn't make it in time to save your ass. The wagon would have been outpaced by a snail! But, seeing as it's in the way back of the meat locker, let's get started with easy ones."

"Why do I have the feeling that this is gonna be a long night?"

"'Cause you have the feeling that you are reeaally slow?"

"Hey!!!"

"Then let's get moving before our old age catches up with us!"

Later…

Naruto and Shikamaru lug the large pieces of meat in, keeping an even pace. Then they seize the solid hunk of pork and proceed to painstakingly carry it with the utmost delicacy to avoid incurring their friend's wrath and even more hard work. Ultimately, Naruto had to use his **Kage no Bunshin **technique five times to carry it halfway. Then Naruto goes a little nuts, uses his demon chakra to hurl the hunk of pork straight into the atmosphere and quickly relates his daring plan to Shikamaru.

As Naruto holds Shikamaru horizontal, Shika uses his Shadow Possession technique to seize the boar carcass before it can hit the ground and Naruto carries his friend in into Chouji's workspace, much to the confusion of their friend. Then comes the floating piece of meat onto the oak butcher block. It is a spectacular sight to behold! This alone is to Chouji as is likened to Christmas come early to little children. **A/N: I know it sounds like Charles Dickens' narrations, but really, this is the way Chouji feels at the moment. Though with no British accent... or bad teeth.** He begins his work with utter joy as his two helpful friends watch and discuss various interesting topics.

"Wow, Chouji loves to cut meat"

"That's because he has a strong connection to his food. That's why he was so fat before. The food has many good memories attached to it - - plus of course, his imitation of his father."

thinks with concentration

'What do you make of this, Kyubbi?'

**'This young man Chouji is very simple and yet very complex. Think of a rock that changes color yet stays the same hue; it's not necessary to contemplate, but you have the impulse that you just _must_ look into its depths.'**

'Well put. Maybe when you are released, you can become the first demon writer. It would be very interesting to hear the thoughts of one so old and deep.'

**'You do know that humans still hate demons, right? Plus, this seal is not the sort that has a timer on it. _NO_ ; …this is a seal that is meant to stick.'**

'Then I'll do the writing and you provide the words. Nothing will change, much.'

**'Your constant toggling between optimism and realism is really a constant cause of confusion on my part. Settle down, dammit, before your poor head explodes.'**

inner laughter

'Nah, I doubt _that_ will happen; you have said that I have the "thickest skull of any creature". Maybe _your_ head will explode, seeing as you're always contradicting yourself.

more inner laughter

**' I's not funny. It could happen!!'**

'You are such a worrywart. I thought you were a **demon: **the "most powerful form of spirit".'

Growls lightly

'Anyway, I'd better get back to the real world before someone starts checking my pulse!'

"Naruto. Are you okay? You looked a little spacey there. What were you thinking about?"

"Ooooo... The great spymaster is brought to his knees by not knowing the thoughts of his knuckleheaded friend. Oh, what a fiendish turn of events!"

"Shaddap. So, what _were _you thinking about, hmm?

"Just how Chouji is so fascinating. Y'know, like a rock that changes color, but never changes hue?"

**'Hey! Don't steal my metaphors!'**

'Hey you're on my insides, so I'm relaying your thoughts to my outsides'

**'Sounds disgusting'**

'It can be.'

"Do you get what I'm saying?"

"One, yes I do get that, and two, since when are you a philosopher?"

"I don't really understand it myself. It's like there's this _person_ in my head who is more intelligent than I. I just get these thoughts popped into my head."

**'Nice cover-up.'**

'I thought so.'

"Hmm. Weird."

"I know. Say, speaking of weird, what was that strange bit of info you were trying to tell me about? You didn't tell me what it was yet."

"Alright, alright. See, I was taking my afternoon doze on top of the Konhagkure checkpoint. I was about to drift off into a nice nap when I spot this lone traveler making his way up the road."

"Now, there's nothing new about lone travelers, but this one was different. He was very strange. His outfit was like something out of a science fiction manga! This man dressed like some sort of bandit, though with an eerie twist."

"The guy looked to have a permanent smile on his face, Add to that white make up dominating most of his face, with a red painted diamond around each eye, and red make-up around his lips to accentuate his smile.

"He was carrying a strange sword. It was extremely thin, with a golden hilt and guard, formed into a basket shape. Although he was a good distance away, I could see the red jewels glinting off it."

"That's pretty strange, but I don't know if I'd call it _really_ strange. I mean, this just sounds like a really unique eccentric, and this is taking in Jiraiya's getup."

"You haven't heard the whole story."

"As I was saying, this guy was really strange already. But when he got closer, I had a better view of him, and that's when my impression changed significantly."

"The guy looked to be about thirty, yet he carried himself with an unnaturally smooth and graceful balance. He seemed to be at peace with his surroundings, but he looked to be ready to pull something as well. I checked his aura and it just exploded with the lust, romance, mischief, and, strangely enough, wisdom. I swear this guy had at least ten generations worth of thoughts and ideas and experiences crammed into that head of his."

"If that was not **strange** enough, when this character finally came to the checkpoint, he just walked through! He does this when there are two guards there, in broad daylight! The strangest part of this encounter was that neither of the guards went to stop him. If anything, they just turned the other way at his approach. I turn around to see this guy, and he's not there. I feel a push from behind; I catch myself, and climb back on. I look for who did it, but again, no one's there! I turn around and I see the fellow speeding off, laughing his head off."

"Now you're starting to scare me."

"Wait, there's more."

"Ah, crap."

"Oh be quiet."

"So then I rush towards the village, thinking some sort of trouble would have started. When I get there, I see that everything is well and good. Then I see the same guy from before."

"He approaches the gate, and then stops. He says a few words to the guard. Of what he said, I don't know, for he spoke too low. The sentry faints. I don't know what strange things he said to the guard, but hopefully they didn't traumatize her."

"I turn around carefully to see where this guy is going. Again, I see no trace of this increasingly annoying character. Then I hear a voice."

"It was the same guy. When he spoke, it was like the very words were coated with honey and oil, for they seemed to glide through the air and stick to your ears. I'm sorry, but that's as close as I can get to describe how he talks."

"He says: "You, there. Shadow boy. Fellow unseen. Do well to hurry to intercept your friend. He will be in a tight spot for five and seventy minutes if you can't make your way to help him carry his load." This guy's words were so obscure I almost missed the meaning. I pretty much ignored his words and didn't turn my back on him until I reached the end of the walkway on the top of the wall, where I tripped, and fell sideways, safely landing on Chouji's wagon."

"I hear his voice off in the distance saying: "That's the way to do it!" This guy has a genuine sense of humor, if a little on the mean side."

"Anyway, Chouji comes out to see what happened and asks me if I'm okay and if I'm in any condition to help. I get off the cart and help, and then he turns it onto the street you were going and then slows down in order to keep from missing you. Next thing I know, you come rushing and duck under the cart. Chouji then goes to scare the mob away from the cart."

"After they are gone, Chouji gets inside to pedal the gears inside to move the cart. It turns out he could only use this function when there is an even surface. "

"Then I get on top of the cart, and once again the clown from before scares the crap out of me and tells me to tell someone about him and that he likes to let his hosts "know when I'm coming". Then he pulls another vanishing act. Whoever he is, he's good, and wants everyone to know."

"Okay, now I'm really scared."

"Ah, don't be. The most lethal thing about him that I could tell would be his talent for popping out to give someone a heart attack."

"Alright, if you say so… I'll get going then. See you tomorrow. "

"Bye."

"Bye, Naruto!"

"Bye."

Outside Naruto's Apartment…

Naruto fumbles with his keys, and then opens the door. He peers in carefully, and then closes the door.

"Hello there, _Fox-childe_"

To be continued…….Shortly.

So, how was that for a start?

I know that it seems a little weird, over-descriptive, and out of character, but this is just the beginning. This is going to be a potential epic. Also note that this is a fantasy. That part's easy. Now try guessing the other half, and I'll give the lucky bugger the thumbs up in deciding various places, plot twists, and other delicious choices.

Note that I kinda dragged out the details. This is to ensure that tension and suspense are built up. A real easy plot device to pull of; even a caveman can do it! "………………………………………"

crickets

Oh, all right, I guessed Gieco killed that old joke (poor joke, it was rarely heard outside of an insurance commercial).

I will also be holding a contest for people to guess the mystery character. This is sort of like the story of Ruplestiltkin (or whatever that creepy gnome is called), only with less baby stealing and sorcery and gnomes and……………..Am I _boring you_?

Well, I get to the point. The jackanapes who actually can guess the dude's name gets the chance to chose who shows up, yadda, yadda, yadda, blah.

I'll see you guys again when you've read this damn thing! Review!


	2. The Concept is shown

Okay, real quick like before, so Orochimaru isn't hired to abduct me

**Diclaimer: Like before, jack shit is owned by me in the way of Masashi Kishmoto's masterpiece, Naruto. Here's my own little invention. Nothing is owned by me except my opinions and my concept.**

**Scripty Stuff:**

Flashback: _Hello_

Spirit or Demon or God speaking: **Good Day**

Regular Person: Hi

Accentuated dialogue or topic:_ Hiya_

Immediate Effects/Actions/Greet\

Jutsu or Power (not always in Japanese): **Greetings no Jutsu!**

Theory or Lie with holes in it: H e l l o .

---------------------------------------Introduction----------------------------------------------------

Konohagekure

Naruto's Apartment

"_Hello there,__** Foxchilde.**_"

/Naruto jumps.\ High. As in, higher the ceiling high. As in, getting your gourdy head bashed through the ceiling high. As in, falling down a bad way and go boom high. This is exactly what happened, just as a result of a fairly innocent greeting, however unique.

The reason for this cataclysm was for cause of circumstance. Like Naruto being snuck up on. This at this point, is an extremely daunting task when it's Naruto, who's the main ANBU officer for minor assassinations. So his high ego and confidence in his skills makes him non-expectant of this, leading to a successful sneaking up being a massively jarring experience.

Another point of circumstance would be the fact that Naruto was expecting some creep to attack him at any moment, from any rational vantage point. See, even after several B-rank and A-rank missions, coupled with a rare S-rank mission, Naruto is extremely jumpy when it comes to being ready for some bloodthirsty bastard charging at him, exuding the urge to lop off heads and fuck mutilated corpses. Although this is extreme, Naruto visualizes this kind of character to come at him when he's expecting someone scary or weird or notorious.

A third point of circumstance is the reputation of the fellow that is expected. Naruto knows that this guy is scary, creepy, and fast. The guy passed the two checkpoints to Konohagekure with minimal intervention from the guards. This is hard to do.

Ever since Itachi and Kisame's stunt at the outposts, the regular chunin sentries were replaced with jounin privates. These guys are known to get nasty. Girl operatives are the worst because they make up for their natural weaknesses with an uncanny knowledge of nerve clusters and pressure points, as well as dirty tactics. Seeing as said character pulled that off, that made him S-rank criminal, no questions asked.

And now the jackass had found his way into Naruto's home, and there was no sign of entry. This was also expected

On his way to his apartment, he had Kyuubi aid him by lending the **Pulse Finder Eyes**, a demon chakra induced power that allows one to see all living within 100 meters, though all barriers -- even other living beings. Naruto only returned the power to Kyuubi when he reached his apartment door and had to find his keys, which, by the way, were considered barriers as far as the **Pulse Finders **knew.

This meant that the bugger either snuck into his apartment in 3.57 seconds, or that he was behind Naruto the whole time, the latter making no real sense. So, to tactfully determine the severity of his situation, he screams at the man.

---------------------------------------Introductions-----------------------------------------------------

"What the hell are you doing? Why are you stalking me?!? Where did you come from?!! And how in hell do you go about scaring people shitless with no conscience whatsoever?!?!?!!!"

"I ' m t h e j a n i t or. I w a s j u s t c o m i n g i n t o c l e a n u p. T h a t ' s a l l."

The character grins maniacally. Something is off. Alot.

"No you're not!! Eikichi is on vacation, and no one wants his job because this hotel is full of perverts, sluts, and crazy old men!! Who do you think you're kidding?!?" Naruto has trouble catching his breath.

After five years of endurance training and breathing exercises, Naruto can scale a mountain of glass, no problem. This situation is one of a few, however, where Naruto gets the shit scared out of him and forgets everything, resorting to a silly bravado and nonsensical reasoning. In short terms, he's still the same pre-teen runt under all that muscle.

"Oh, shoot. You saw through my _expert_ web of deceit. Now I know you are a formidable foe for me. I'm quaking in my boots. My spine's shivering! My neck hairs are on end!!! My bladder is about to---"

"Could you please shut the fuck up and tell me why you're following me like some annoying fangirl?!?"

Naruto is becoming increasingly agitated. He was having a good life, the town finally stops hating him, and girls actually talk to him out of interest, and not need. Then here comes Mr. Fancy-Look-At-Me-I'm-A-Big-Fat-Fairy, swaggering his creepy way into his life, bugging his friends and waiting for him behind doors in order to probably rape him

"Hey I resent that!"

"Glad you realize that you are known as an annoying creep"

"No, I mean the Mr. Fancy-Look-At-Me-I'm-An-Ass-Bandit comments. I'm insulted. My clothes have feelings, too, y'know."

The character grimaces, and then stares off into the distance, probably wondering about some perverted fantasy.

Naruto takes time to register this guy's appearance. It was like, as Shika said, "it came out of a Sci-Fi Manga"

But even Shikamaru's high vocabulary and vocal skill couldn't express the full effect of the man's appearance.

He stands six foot four, being easily measured because the ceiling was just beyond seven feet. His physique is to be admired, for it is of a hardcore athlete, but somehow seems lithe and smooth, and has more bounce than break about his form.

His brown shoulder-length hair is neatly combed to the point where the hair seems to just flow to the back of the skull, where it is kept in a tight braid. At his razor-sharp widow's peak, a disobedient strand of hair arches gracefully to an incomplete circle, the tip nearly touching the base.

He wears a waist length chocolate cow full grain leather jacket, mostly unadorned save for a zipper, multiple pockets, and numerable buttons. Of the buttons, there were several, all pinned to the left collar of the jacket. There is a campaign button, saying I Like Ike under three different colors, a golden dragon pin, a button with a circular silhouette like a cart wheel with four spokes missing, a brass pin with the number 2020 as its statement, a pewter pin with a C and a crown adorning it, a smiley face that was curiously turned upside-down, and numerous others that Naruto has no chance of identifying in even if given an hour.

His wears a complementary pair of blackish-green pants of an unknown material, with again, an innumerable amount of buttons. However, the buttons are outnumbered by many more pockets, to the point of one believing the pants are made of pockets and buttons. The strange piece of clothing is held up by an equally strange belt. It is made out of a strange kind of reptile skin with a thickness that rivals even full grain leather. As if imitating the jacket and pants, the belt has many compartments, pockets, and slots for various potions, daggers, scrolls, and containers. This time, however, there are no buttons. Instead there is a massive buckle with flashy adornments. Substituting these are various carvings. There is a kanji for monkey, an insignia of a lightning bold coming from a cloud, a massive and intricate spiral, a pair of eyes that look like question marks, and many, many, many more. The biggest carving, and probably the most important, was the one inscribed on a piece of bluish metal smelted to the main piece. It said Or Maybe Even Here. The sword sheath attached at the side is made of a simple combination of oak and gold. The sword itself had a hilt and pommel of brass, with inset jewels and carved grotesque smiling faces.

Next looked at are the shoes. They are, again, made of full grain leather, this time black. They are big and rugged, but plain for the most part. The only adornments are the pewter tipped laces and the steel tips on the boots. There are carvings on both. The right foot's tip says Your Ass Here, and an arrow points to the left foot. The left says Or Here, and an arrow points to the belt buckle. The interesting insignia on the belt makes total sense now. And Naruto moves on to the last piece of clothing: the gloves.

The gloves are nothing special. They are fingerless, there is a hole on the back to relieve pressure on wrist and fingers, there are steel diamonds at the knuckles, and these are, like the other articles, made of leather.

His face, by far the most eye-catching feature, seems to be in a permanent smile. It also seems to have permanent tattoos on it. There is a black-rimmed red diamond that adorns the area around each eye, attracting one's gaze to the unnatural pupils. The lips are lined in the same fashion, though just being outlined, not marked with a diamond. His sallow complexion is flawless, where there isn't a tattoo, and surprisingly, there are no lines or wrinkles. The ears are pointed, with a gold chain pinned around the rim of the left ear. The man's teeth leave much to be desired, and his gums are a scary shade of maroon. However, the stranger's eyes are a captivating, if strange, shade of lemon, with a bit of navy around the edges. The whites are just that: white. And the aforementioned pupils; normal, until you look closely and see that they are in the shape of a blocky compass rose.

As the character seems to be clearing his thoughts, Naruto steps back, at ease now, for an assassin would have attacked earlier, a fanboy would have started a conversation and/or pounced on him, an ANBU would have stated his/her business fully by this time, and a new neighbor would go a mile a minute before stopping, which clearly doesn't apply to this person.

"Glad you finally stopped talking before thinking. I thought it would take longer."

"I have grown beyond my idiocy, thank you."

"Your actions say otherwise. For instance, what about the incident with your mission in are 44? I thought the girl would never recover."

"Hey, I told my clones to fuck the target up a little, and then bring her back for questioning. I didn't know they were going to disobey me and bang the living shit out of Anko, and_ then_ bring her back. That's not my fault!"

"Oh yes it is. You just didn't pay attention to the side notes of Secret Scroll when you learned the **Kage Bunshin no Jutsu**. It says that shadow clones are named so for the fact that they are essentially shadows of the deepest desires of your soul. They listen intently to your orders, or follow your strong emotions as guidance. That said, they know they are temporary on this earth, and will look for loopholes in your commands so they can have fun. Your tactical blunder is case in point."

"And because of Anko being a sex-starved perv for some reason, she returns from this unscathed and spreads rumors of your "prowess" to any girl with an equally strange mind, leading to your fangirl/boy problem."

"The few parents who caught wind of this -- who knew of various jutsus, of course, excused you for your idiocy at that point and looked to the underneath the underneath. They noticed your good morals, the fact that the girl wasn't killed by your overly passionate clones meant that even deep down in your little head, you wouldn't kill an innocent, the fact that Anko's warped mind was not perverted any further by your clones meant that even your unbridled passionate side will not harm without reason means you are a gentleman at your core, and the fact that there were about fifteen clones in action at the time means that you have a good amount of power, and therefore have the ability to protect those you love. This makes you a perfect, if insatiable, suitor in the eyes of the wiser parents. Hence why they were chasing you."

"Word got out further, gay-boys started flocking, for some very strange reason -- don't ask, I don't know their minds. And, of course, you have these few wierdos chasing you, but thankfully there are just a few."

"Then there are the regular troublemakers. These worms and curs believe in power coming from attractiveness, strength, and sex appeal. They go about acting like they are total badasses, when lo-and-behold, they hear of you, a guy who is said to be _naturally_ gifted in, ah, well, you know. Anyways, they feel exceedingly uncomfortable. You are making them look bad, and you aren't being crucified for your actions, despite various situational pitfalls, which makes their lousy antics look like that of a bumbling drunk's. Add to that your improving fashion sense, your easily earned rank, and your mission completion record and you have the makings of somebody who pisses them off just by word-of-mouth. And that's the backstory of your thug problem."

"In conclusion, all your extensive fame problems stem from one really weird incident that was indirectly, but totally, your fault."

Naruto smirks.

"Wow. That's an interesting point. And I thought you were just here to kill me. You must be a walking advice column. How impressive"

"Hey now, I just thought you would like to know where this stalker problem comes from. And on the subject of hired mercenaries wanting to kill you; your sorry ass would be easy to find if you are constantly being stalked, followed, talked about, etc."

"I'm actually getting tired of this. Point being I'm trying to find a girlfriend to settle down with. It's just all I find are either really slutty creeps whose minds are warped or these frilly schoolgirls who don't even maturely grasp the concept of kissing, much less full-blown romance."

"Well, your reputation so far has screwed you in that factor. You need to get away from here for a while, so you can relax and think."

"Are you some sort of eccentric door-to-door salesman. 'Cause I'm not buying."

"I'm talking about going somewhere for no charge. You just need to walk a little to get there. There are no strings attached. You want to return? You can when you want to. My offer stands for three days. Until you've made up your mind, I'll be free-loading on your sofa. I don't eat much, so don't seal your refrigerator up with lead. Now -- to the sofa!"

The odd man, as was his word, went to the couch. He lies down and silently and instantly falls asleep, before Naruto can get in a good word. Naruto lets out a sigh of exasperation.

"This is going to be a long day. Better go talk to Tsunade. That old onna should know enough to deal with loony bastards like this one."

Naruto **shunshins** to Lady Tsunade's living quarters, making sure not to alert any passerby to his presence. He gets there successfully and without incident.

Tsunade's Living Quarters

Tsunade is always busy filing papers and filling out various forms of varying degrees of importance on weekends. Today is a weekend. That said, Naruto, even though he is at the door, is not noticed. Naruto knocks. All that he hears is rustling papers and the scratching of a pen. He knocks louder. Now heard inside is the shuffling of drawers being closed. He bangs on the door. Still no response.

He unceremoniously kicks the double doors wide open, not breaking them despite Naruto's strength. The story behind this is long and not important to the situation, so we are left with the hunch that it involves Jiraya, Tsunade's strange temper, and a jug of sake. Moving on.

Tsunade finally looks up and acknowledges him. She doesn't look the least upset. In fact, she looks rather happy. Or tipsy.

"Oh, hello Naruto. Thank you for visiting. You probably want to talk to me about something right? Before we may talk, I need you to help me file away these historical documents. They are highly important and are overflow from the Leaf Shinobi Archives. These are records of every single notable moment and advance from the last twenty years. Be careful. I just got done with the files for the first three. Don't mess around with them."

"Tsunade, you haven't changed. Sure, I'll help."

Tsunade really has not changed much at all over the course of four years. She still gets pissed the same way. She still yells the same way. She punches a little harder, but that's the only constant noticeable change in her. She's still as pretty. Still as icy. Even her wardrobe hasn't changed visibly.

She wears the same green gambling jacket. Also, the same sky-blue shirt. Same navy skirt. Same sandals. The only difference in her wardrobe, if you _really_ needed to know, would be the fact that she wears thongs on a random day of the month. After that, there is no difference in her appearance as of yet.

Her temperament has softened a bit, what with Naruto constantly sending her gifts and Jiraiya dropping in on the odd occasion to help her work out stress problems. Tsunade is a strong woman, but every strong woman needs a strong man, and vice versa, of course.

But filing work isn't more fun, even with company. The rest of the night dragged, until Naruto used shadow clones to speed it up, and then it just dragged faster.

Then, after almost eight hours, they were done and on to the meat of the matter: moaning about problems. They do this whenever the filing goes way too quickly. The current record is 36 hours and seventeen minutes; Orochimaru infested yet another body, but unfortunately he encountered a problem that he never came to think would ever plague him because of what he was.

See, he chose the body of a Hanyou, which is fine, if a unique choice. It was low ranked enough, but there was some struggle. The big problem was that Orochimaru had no experience with demonic society or taxonomy, so he didn't know much about demon apart from its name and elemental affinity. It turned out that the Hanyou was a girl. That's right. _That_. Demons live longer than humans. Their endurance is longer, their mental capacity, and even bodily cycle of demons are longer than humans. Orochimaru had PMS for three years. This built up stress like a bitch and drove him to manipulating several warlords into attacking Konohagekure. The siege was long and brutal. Very few casualties were had on the side of the Leaf Shinobi, but the injuries were severe. Only Sasuke's very suicidal tactics saved the day.

The way that this is connected with paperwork is the fact that the damages were so extensive that teams 7, 10, and 8 were needed to complete the job. People ached for weeks. The only upside to the situation would be that Orochimaru, after those foul three years, possessed the body of a tipsy monk to escape the torture of the Nibi's bodily cycles.

Now, back to the complaints and piss-and-moan-ing. Tsunade starts.

"Oh my god. I thought the first pile was big. Half of the seventh pile broke my foot in nineteen places when I slipped. Why did the Hyuugas have to have a three month celebration when Hiashi only witnessed Hinata using Byakugan?! The costs, expenses, and damages must have been the equivalent of the Third giant rodent infestation and the locust famine of 473 combined!!! I swear, I'm going to put a damper on parades and the size of food orders during the spring and summer festivals if one of the clans pull a similar stunt."

"Okay Tsunade, but that was twelve years ago. There are problems right now. That are worse."

"Like what? I haven't seen something that would frighten me as much as historical paper work or blood. How bad could it be?"

"Oh let's see: there is the fangirls, to be sure. The fanboys are twice as irritating. The parents don't try to look for me as a person, but as a good husband for their Little Precious. The annoying troublemakers are a thorn in my side on a Sunday morning --"

"That's bad, but I don't see it being a true problem. From what I've heard, it's just a moderately exasperating nuisance."

"Yes, but my fame attracts this weird stalker guy who's currently freeloading on my couch."

"Okay, that may be a problem. Can you take me to him? I may know who you're talking about."

"Alright, but be careful. He got past the checkpoints, no problem. He also got in my house without a sound, and I checked!"

Naruto takes Tsunade to his apartment. There is an odd smell coming from upstairs as they reach the lobby. It isn't a foul odor, or an overly pleasant one. Just odd.

When they get to the ninth floor, there is a heavy green mist crawling along the carpet, seeping out from under, and oddly enough, above the door. The door looks gnarled and twisted, as if it had grown there. The lock is just barely discernable amongst all the ripples and perversions in the wood. The peeping hole above the number nine has now the glistening aspect of a lion about it, with the open maw surrounding the opening. The copper knob of the door has now been twisted to resemble a viper's eye.

Naruto opens the door. As they step in, they observe that nothing has really changed. The lights, however, did not have that fate. They came in colors of green, red, black, and white. The holders for the bulbs had gotten twisted into the shape of a creature's claw, as if representing something or another. Then they proceed to the sofa.

Tsunade observes that the sofa looks far less hideous than it was. Before, it looked like Ino's wardrobe had puked on it. Now it looked more gothic. The overall color is green plaid, with the plain maroon pillows. The frame now is made out of cherry wood, with the face of lions and dragons carved at various angular points, with the areas in between filled with carved fronds and fruits. And the sleeper seemed to match the sofa.

He looked happy and at peace in his sleep, as if there wasn't a looming danger. And there is now. As Tsunade reaches out to shake him awake, he mumbles something, she leans in to hear what he's trying to say.

" 'et meh skee ye /mumble\"

"What?"

"Let mee skee y' beh/mumble mumble\"

" 'Let you' what?"

"Lehht meeee squee yeehhhhhhhhh teeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhh/mumble mumble mumble\"

"Let you 'squee' what?"

Tsunade practically has her ear on his lips now.

"Leeehhht……"

"Yes?"

"Meeeeeeeee………."

"Uh huh."

"Squuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—"

"Yes, yes; what is it that you want?"

"Let. Me."

"Let you what already?!?!!"

Tsunade is starting to lose her temper. Naruto notices that the guy seems to be baiting her. Naruto also notices the strangers eyes seem to be opening. Only, they are opening behind Tsunade, not on him. Then an outline forms. The outline becomes clearer rapidly. It fills out as if a fog is clearing.

Hands raised, eyes open, and a smirk on his face, stands the strange man. When he is fully revealed, he begins to open his mouth.

"Ts-Tsu-Tsunade! It's a du--"

The stranger interrupts.

"Let me squeeze-your-tits!"

The perverted sneak grabs Tsunade from behind, grasping her bosoms, spins her to face him, and then kisses her full on the mouth. In a flash, he makes for the window, back flips through it, and swan dives to the below, laughing like the devil himself gone free. Naruto rushes to the window, only to be nailed by a speeding playing card that lodged slightly in his forehead.

Naruto winces as he plucks the card from his head and looks it over. It is a joker card, with an illustration of the stranger in a jester outfit, giving a rose to a woman. It seems ordinary, but when the small amount of blood on the card mixes with the illustration, the man's clothes change and woman's appearance changes. The woman changes into Tsunade, blushing violently. Then she disappears from the card, and the picture of the man turns to face him. Then he shrinks, but does not disappear. Text scrolls up from the bottom.

It reads: I AM HARLEQUIN!

And in smaller print: Meet me at the center of the Forest of Death. Topside. Be here by noon and you will know reprieve.

Naruto sighs and turns to Tsunade. Like on the card, she is blushing a very deep red. Naruto goes to see she's okay.

"Tsunade? Are you okay?"

"I'm alright. /regains composure\ Just was in shock for a moment. Who was that character? Not even the most drunken man has done that to me, not even at Spring Festival! Yet here comes this lunatic who does so without a second glance. Or a goodbye!"

"The goodbye is actually pinned to your shirt. With a smiley face."

Tsunade pulls off the pin and reads the card. She turns red again-- even deeper than before. She sighs and puts it in her pocket. The smiley face button, that is.

"You'd better do what he says. He makes out to be a rather convincing, if suicidal, person"

"And you said you were going to _throw _him out the window. He did that without your help."

"Speaking of which; after that idiot jumped out your window, it seems like you need rep- /looks at the window\ -airs."

"What is it?"

"He fixed the window. Strangely."

Naruto turns and observes what had happened behind him. In place of the hole was a wooden border framing the exact shape of the gap. There is a golden plaque covering the "hole". It reads: HARLEY WUZ HEER. Again, this is where Harlequin's strange sense of humor manifests at the right moment. The fact that the print is in a very eloquent font makes it even funnier.

"Well, at least he fixes what he breaks. That's one reason to follow him. And there are a hundred to not. I'll meet him there; the least I can do is humor him."

"You do that. I'll watch."

"If you bring along company, make sure it's not too large; The Forest's creatures are always up to a feast. And make sure to keep your charka outlet low. Ever since those Graveyard Moths moved in, it's becoming a pain in the ass to just breathe in that forest without nine of the buggers swarming you."

Tsunade leaves, accidentally dropping the card she was given. Naruto sighs, closes the door, walks to his bed, lies down, shuts his eyes, and falls fast asleep.

----------------------------------------------To Be Continued-----------------------------------------

Phew! That was long! Can't wait for Easter Vacation to get started!

What? You don't know? I'll tell you then.

See, every weekend, I've been practically living on this computer. I do get my work done, and my school work isn't _too_ shabby. But I need more obsessions than this, and my dad, fearing the worst, has decided to put a crackdown on my obsession over this computer. Therefore, this chapter in this series is going to be the last for a long while.

Don't despair! I'll try to keep in touch when I can! _If_ I can.

Please do this, and do know that the first poll is officially over. If you didn't participate, too bad. Now you know who the stranger is, but we still aren't sure what he wants. That will be revealed in the third chapter. PLEASE review! I love my fans and do enjoy them offering critique. Please do poll. Popularity on this site is everything to me. So please poll. And if you have issues, or admire my writing style, please visit my profile, the link to which is found at the top in **big** _**blue**_ letters, and send a private message to me. I always reply, I try to be nice, and I always read what you write.

Please note that this is M rated, now. That means blood, gore, violent fights, sex, cursing, and violent sex. I have succeeded in the cursing, sex (doesn't always mean lemons galore), gore (chap 1, not that noticeable), and violence (chases, action, heated angry dialogue, etcetera). Now I will move on to the daunting task of writing a third chapter. I'm planning a total of twenty-five, so there will be plenty of chapters and content for all!!!

I love you! Review! (nice rhyme again)


	3. The Perception shifts

Hello again! I was able to weasel my dad into letting me on prematurely! Everything is great in the world (except my math teacher Bill, but that's a different story, one that I'm sure BooksandBubblegum shall be willing to share with you. Now, here's the first dimension hop in this crazy crossoverfest! But first, a few messages from our sponsors:

To BooksandBubblegum: thanky for the first review ever on this thing! (I think)

To Kyer: your review is appreciated

To akalae: your perspective is appreciated, and your pen name reminds me of the word accolade.

To Zamrok: your work inspired me.

And now for the font key:

Flashback: _Hello again_

Spirit/Demon/God speaking: **Good day yet again**

Regular person: Hi person-from-before

Immediate effects/actions/Repeated Greeting\

Jutsu/Power (again, not in Japanese always) : **Redundant Greetings no Jutsu**

Theory or Lie with holes in it (very confusing to readers): H e l l o a g a i n

**AND BEFORE I FORGET AND IT GETS ME KILLED: I! DO! NOT! OWN! NARUTO!**

--------------------------------------------Continuation------------------------------------------------

Konohagekure

Naruto's Apartment

_I AM HARLEQUIN!  
_

_Meet me at the center of the Forest of Death, and you will know reprieve._

"_Tsunade, are you okay?"_

_I'm alright. Just was in shock for a moment. Who was that character? Not even the most drunken man has done that to me, not even at Spring Festival! Yet here comes this lunatic who does so without a second glance. Or a goodbye!"_

"_The goodbye is actually pinned to your shirt. With a smiley face."_

_Tsunade pulls off the pin and reads the card. She turns red again-- even deeper than before. She sighs and puts it in her pocket. The smiley face button, that is._

"_You'd better do what he says. He makes out to be a rather convincing, if suicidal, person"_

"_And you said you were going to throw him out the window. He did that without your help."_

"_Speaking of which; after that idiot jumped out your window, it seems like you need rep-_

_-airs."_

"_What is it?"_

"_He fixed the window. Strangely."_

_Naruto turns and observes what had happened behind him. In place of the hole was a wooden border framing the exact shape of the gap._

"_Well, at least he fixes what he breaks. That's one reason to follow him. And there are a hundred to not -- I'll meet him there; the least I can do is humor him."_

"_You do that. I'll watch."_

"_If you bring along company, make sure it's not too large; The Forest's creatures are always up to a feast. And make sure to keep your charka outlet low. Ever since those Graveyard Moths moved in, it's becoming a pain in the ass to just breathe in that forest without nine of the buggers swarming you."_

_Tsunade leaves, accidentally dropping the card she was given. Naruto sighs, closes the door, walks to his bed, lies down, shuts his eyes, and falls fast asleep._

Naruto wakes up, feeling rejuvenated. He gets out of bed and lethargically makes his way to the bathroom. Of course, during the night, the remainder of Harlequin's strange green fog warped reality within the apartment.

For one thing, it is bigger. A lot bigger.

In fact, the medium size domicile tripled, no, QUADRUPLED in size! There is even a staircase in several parts, leading to who knows where. The lighting has a strange tone to it, like that of a haunted house, which gives an aura of mystique to the expansive room.

Room… That didn't qualify for this place anymore. Now it looks like a sprawling first floor of a mansion.

As noted, the lights play a key role in making the place look gorgeous. Not that it needed help. The fog's handiwork is to be admired, truly.

The evergreen and maroon marble floor has an ethereal glow to it, giving the illusion that there is something moving under it and flowing with it. Strangely, the floor had no cold feeling like regular stone should, but the pleasant warmth that pervaded the area.

The walls are decked with beautiful murals of varied styles, none of them in the least contemporary. Like the floor, they have a shine that greets the eyes with moving subjects and perspectives. Where the walls meet the floor and the ceiling there is a mahogany border. The carvings along it are complex and beautiful, with a look of softness to its entirety.

The ceiling, oh, the ceiling -- it is a masterpiece that would make any artist's legs weak with jealousy. High and domed, it has a complicated series of rafters and buttresses, all in an algebraic and archaic ingenuity that sent off an air of antiquity and power. Additionally, these supports are made of a strange, stone-like material that seems to flow like water, even though they're standing still. The ceiling itself is not painted or carved upon, but there are mirrors and glasses placed at various points, each with light shining into or out of them. The center, there hangs a small and solitary crystal, that seems to change colors, but at glacial rate, it seems. At the moment, it's red. With little purple spots.

The windows are simple and elegant, which is a first in this giant monstrosity. They have a special ability, though. The glass on the windows let in light in a measured amount, to make sure that one isn't blind or blinded in this place. Naruto is very sleepy, and is making his way to the bathroom, so there is a good amount.

Now to the descriptions of the furnishings. One word: expressive.

With multiple rooms come multiple tables, chairs, and appliances. All are made of one or more of the following things: metal, stone, marble, wood. They are of multiple styles, shapes, and sizes, making them very accommodating. However, there isn't a clock to be seen.

Naruto makes his way to the bathroom, slowly noting the various changes. At first, how this happened didn't register. Then he remembers the previous night's escapades. Now he is a little more appreciative of meeting the former stranger.

Harlequin… what kind of person has a name like that? The sound and spelling of the man's name is so alien to Naruto. The language that it comes from is unique and eloquent, yet seems kind of at home in his mouth, which is odd, like everything else that came from the character. The language on the card-message is in the same dialect, but it was deciphered by him on the spot. How _did_ this happen?

Naruto washes up and does his other ablutions. The various hair and skin care products are the same as before, which is a major shocker. The toothpaste is also untouched. Nothing is added, either. This is weird. However, like the rest of the house, the furnishings are warped. The bath tub and shower are not really perverted from their former shapes, but the toilet looks absolutely strange. The bowl looks like a woman's head, and the seat is shaped like cupped hands. Again the strange humor of Harlequin abruptly makes itself known. Naruto takes note to remind himself to ask that Harley change it back.

Naruto puts his dirty clothes in the newly formed hamper and goes to his wardrobe. It is shaped like Hell's Mouth from various illustrations, and cautious shinobi pokes it a few times to ensure that does not bite, scream, or talk. Then he opens it and a pair of boxers hits his face. Then out fly a shirt, a pair of pants, a sock pair, a trench coat, and a rapidly approaching pair of boots. Naruto rolls out of the way to avoid the steel-tipped menace, and starts dressing. Somehow, the "flying" clothes are exactly what he wanted.

The short sleeve shirt is made of special man-made fibers created to reduce the amount of excess heat stored on the torso. It looks like a simple black shirt, but inside, there is a lining of titanium chain mail, designed to stop most bullets, knives, and other pointy things from piercing it.

The slightly baggy jeans are dark blue made of cotton, with steel lining the cuffs. In place of the regular military alloys, the inner lining of the pants is made of chain mail of a mysterious ore from a fiery meteorite. Helping Sand Village comes in handy sometimes.

The socks are red and made of wool. Nothing else.

The boots are blackish-green and made of full grain bull leather. There are riveted steel tips, like on the rest of Naruto's informal footwear. The lining is shearling on the outside and layered titanium micro-scale mail on the inside.

The boxers are not going to be described. There is still sanctity in this M-rated story, even if it's the little details only.

The trench coat is beige and made of cotton. The lining is refined Kevlar, to avoid putting too much weight on Naruto.

When Naruto is fully dressed, he makes his way to the front door. Then he notices the only clock in the entire apartment. It's small and cutely so. It's on a chain hanging from the center of the domed ceiling, and it's at eye level. Made of brass and with no adornments, it displays the time: 10:49.

Off like a shot, Naruto bolts out the front door, eager to get to Area 44 quickly. Then he is greeted with the sight of his obnoxious landlady. He swerves around, but not before hurling his monthly payment into her hands. Unfortunately, he collides with the person making her way up the stairs.

He gets up with a groan, and looks to who he hit. His view is filled with the sight of a faux leather-clad ass. Nice one, too, but it's the wrong situation for sightseeing. Naruto lets forth another groan when he realizes the owner of the ass.

Miterazaki Tomoko. Easily the most vapid girl in Konoha and the president of the Naruto Fan Club. She is also easily the curviest chuunin in Leaf Village and the third most invasive. And the least desirable person he needed to knock into on this most auspicious day.

This girl's favorite form of greeting Naruto is tackling him and grinding her pelvis into his. Notwithstanding, she is going to really delay things for Naruto if he doesn't escape quickly.

/Gets up\"What happened?"

Naruto is clinging on to the ceiling for dear life. Tomoko looks around, sighs, and starts back up the stairs. Naruto slowly gets down, then slips and falls straight on his butt. The resounding clank echoes through the halls.

"Note to self: ask Jiraiya to teach me the rest of the wall crawling technique. /Gets up\ Additional note: learn how to land softly"

Unfortunately, he should have learned earlier. Ms. Miterazaki had only gone up a few steps on the stairs, and she turns around at the noise and proceeds in greeting Naruto. Naruto makes a few handsigns before collision. By a stroke of luck, he pulls off a **Substitution Jutsu** and runs like a bat out of Hell to get to Area 44. And Tomoko gives chase.

As he hits the street, he starts to **shunshin** and makes his way through back alleys and doorways, all the while bobbing and weaving and asking himself questions.

"Why did I have to put off scaling techniques?!"

"How do I get so clumsy?"

Why did I get impatient?!"

"Why do I have to have a fan club?!"

"Why do I have to run into the president of the fan club?!"

"Why didn't I get restraining order?"

"And WHY IN HELL DOES THE PRESIDENT OF THE NARUTO FAN CLUB HAVE TO BE THE TOP CHUUNIN TRACKER?!?!!!"

Naruto bolts out of the city, with Tomoko in hot pursuit. He heads to the training grounds and starts hopping from tree to tree towards Area 44. When he finds the gates to the place, he vaults over the gate, taking little heed of the jounin guarding it.

Zooming over the treetops, he looks back to see if he is still being pursued. Miterazaki is less easily making her way, amazingly. She then misses a branch and falls through.

"Shit. Why me? Why now, of all times."

'**It's your life. Go with it already.'**

'Thanks for finally speaking up. Why the delay?'

'**You needed to act fast, and I didn't want to slow you down with trivial commentary. Now catch the poor wench before she hits something.'**

Naruto **shunshins** down the tree trunk and to the ground under Tomoko's rapidly dropping body. With a gentleness that belies him, Naruto catches Ms Miterazaki lightly.

"My hero!"

"Oh, God, don't start. I'm just as appreciative of a thank you."

"Oh, I'll give you more than that. For saving me, I'm honor bound to repay you."

Her lips latch on to Naruto's mouth and her tongue jams between his lips and slips in between his teeth and proceeds in delivering a positively electrifying kiss, coupled with pelvis grinding.

Naruto, nearly caught up in the moment, gently shoves Tomoko away, and attempts to regain his composure.

"Please, I'm saving myself for marriage. Don't go doing that or you'll kill your chances. Getting laid is not exactly on my agenda at the moment. I'm a little pressed for time, and fucking isn't exactly gonna fit in that tight schedule. Please don't tag along, it's going to be really dangerous up ahead."

"Oh, alright. However, I'm still going with you. Nothing you say will keep me away."

"Okay, try this: I hate you, you supremely slutty shit-fuck."

"Not even that."

"Crap."

/Giggles\

"Just don't do something you'll regret. Like mounting me."

Naruto begrudgingly makes his may to the center, and to the roof. There, Tsunade is standing, with Harlequin sitting near what seems to be a jagged line in the air. Harlequin gets up to greet the new arrivals

"Greetings! One and the other! Welcome to the grand ceremony of **Gate Opening**! It shall commence shortly. Any questions?"

"Cut the crap, Harlequin. Why did you stalk me last night? Why are you offering me this?"

"You, you, you. It's not all about you. It could be about me. To answer your questions, I /Air Quotes\'bug you' because you are the one individual with an outstandingly unique fate. One that fits my own fate and agenda quite well. I stalked you so I could work out a way to approach you. See, I'm polite, even when shadowing and jumping through windows. I always give something for every taking. So I tricked out your apartment with my **Dragon Breath** and offered this invitation in equal exchange for annoying the living shit out of you and spooking authorities, not to mention making Ms. Haroyuki faint after dazzling her with a nice little peck on the lips. Taxation by vexation is paid in return by allocation and invitation. You'll know my means in time."

"Alright. I'm fine with this. Now what is it you're endevouring to show me?"

"An opening portal needs all entrants within seventeen yards horizontal of it at noontide or midnight. I did not want to task your circadian rhythms, so I chose noon. My invitation is to go to a far away place, away from all terrestrial cares. To a new world, essentially. A vacation, if you will, but with more adventure and excitement. Who wants to just sit around, doing nothing besides eating, drinking, sleeping, shitting, schmoozing, fucking? Not me and certainly not you three."

"Alright, but where is the portal, and where does it go?"

"Yeah, where does this go? Naru-kun's not gonna be torn to bits by some weird thing, is he?"

"If you two lovebirds are done, let Harlequin speak. This is interesting."

"Fine, fine. It's basically a simple doorway to another world. It's just closed, and it can only be observed in closed form when Psionic Doyen is near it. I just so happen to be one such being. The closest fellow to a Psi Do in this particular dimension is a fox demon, or hanyou, as you call it, and a desert spirit. Both reside in solitary **Harmonium Confidens**, or **Sanctuary Seals** as one knows it as here. At least, these are the true names of the buggering devices. I just call them gerbil cages myself, 'cause that's how they look in the host psyches. Anywho, the closed door is the line lookin' thing floating near my shoulder at the moment. That is not a line, but the edge of something really nasty known as a **Residual Orctific Calcifying Fell Athenite Ripping Tine**, or as I like to call it, a roc fart, 'cause that's the acronym and it's a pretty funny code word for it. Tsunade, since you're well educated, you tell them what it does."

"It basically is a dimensional door trap that is temporary but it is very nasty. It is resistant to all dimensional lock picks, even the athen ones which are usually unbreakable. The effect of this thing is quickly made known by any idiot who tampers with or tries to enter the door without precaution."

"So what does it do?"

"It turns you into a pillar of salt. Slowly."

"Eew. Sounds ugly."

"You bet your ass it is. Now stand back as I disarm this thing and kick it open."

Naruto and assorted company back away towards the edge of the tower roof as Harlequin commences with fiddling with the trap. Resounding cracks are heard from the trap. They duck as the trap explodes in a ring of grey energy. They look up to see a rigid white figure standing next to a blue crack of light.

Fearing the worst, Naruto rushes towards Harlequin's prone form. Tomoko follows quickly, so as to keep Naruto from getting hurt. Tsunade proceeds cautiously to keep the two teenagers from doing something stupid.

"Harlequin! Harlequin! Are you alright?!"

"Oh, God, he's dead! He's a salt pillar! Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Will you two idiots shut up?! You didn't expect this to happen?!? He's a fucking jackass who goes off half cocked into any situation! And he was too careless about taking care of himself, and… not enough about himself. Just like my little brother. /Sob\ and my dead boyfriend. /Whimpers\ /Heavy Sobbing\ Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Why'd you have to die like that?! I only just met you! And you were so nice for such a pervert!!!!!!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!"

"Will you idjits shut up? I'm fine, if a little caked with salt. /Spits out lumps of salt\ it tastes nasty and it's so thick I can't move anything save my jaw, thankfully. /Cough\"

Naruto, Tomoko, and Tsunade's eyes bug out. Then Tsunade gets really red and yells at the rigid man.

"YOU JACKASS! I k n e w y o u w e r e a l i v e ! I k n e w t h a t y o u c o u l d n ' t b e d e a d , s o I S A I D T H A T S O Y O U ' D S T O P S C A R I N G T H E S E K I D S !!! You FUCKER! YOU ASSHOLE!!"

"Riiiiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhhhht. Now how about you use /Prissy Girly Voice\ those strong hands to get this crap off meh /Normal Voice\ so I can rip open the door."

"/Furious Muttering\"

They set about freeing the salty Harlequin, which is pretty hard. Imagine sand grains held together with smelted iron, and try using a plastic tweezer to pluck out the individual pieces. That's how difficult it is to de-salt someone in a predicament like our friend's.

Naruto uses his **Rensengan** to weaken the compacted salt, while Tsunade uses her powerful arms to pull of the loose chunks, which are handed to Tomoko to put in a neat pile out of the way. This process takes about and seven hours and thirty minutes, making the time about 6:33 PM when they finish, which is afternoon, now.

The door doesn't fade for some reason. If anything, it gets brighter as the hours pass and as each of the pieces are chipped off.

When Harlequin is fully free, he shakes off what's left. Relieved, Naruto and company decide to strike up a conversation.

"So Harlequin, what happened? I thought you were an expert, the way you talked about the trap and the door."

"Well, I _am_ an expert; it's just that the trap goes off no matter what, in varying degrees, of course. I needed all you blokes free so you could get me out, so I had you go back a safe distance while I muted it, then tripped it. The trap is very efficient, so even if you survive, you die because no one can help you because they're salty too. The stuff that I got hit with is very deadly that way. Plus, if you survive, you still have to deal the stuff still stuck to you, which, because of the design of the spell. For instance, the color tells what it does. The shade and solidity of the black told me that it was a roc fart and that it fills all the space around the beings. That said it /Kicks, sending a piece of solid salt hurtling into the atmosphere, while adding emphasis to the next word out of his mouth\ _GETS_ in places/Drop kicks the ground\ and is highly/Chinese splits\/Crack\ /Says weakly\ painful. Ow. Ow. OW/Dips hand into pants and pulls out hand\ Tsunade, can I spare you for a minute? I need you to help me with something."

"Fine. What is it?"

"Can we go somewhere quiet, first? This piece's a doozy, and it's not friendly."

"Alright. Let's go."

Harlequin leads Tsunade downstairs, to the shower rooms.

"/Stops\ Here should be fine."

"So what is it?"

"You gotta pull this piece out of a very special area. Do you have anything I can bite down on?"

"No, sorry. Scream all you like."

"Let me pull myself together first."

"No can do. The longer that piece sits in there, there longer it will burn."

"Aw, shit."

"Baby"

"Sadist."

When Tsunade pulls the piece out of the 'very special area', Harlequin's scream is heard clearly back in Konohagekure, while in the Forest of Death, every living creature in it soils themselves at the same time. And at the Area 44's gate, Miterashi Anko flinches for the first time in five years.

When they come back up, Harlequin is limping and cradling his crotch while Tsunade is dazed and has trouble walking in a straight line. Naruto takes his fingers out of his ears, although he looks a little woozy. Tomoko has fainted.

"Gad that was _painful_. And I've been tortured with acupuncture needles and extended obese lap dancing."

"Eh, wah/Lazily mush mouths\ Can't hear yoo at tha momen'. Kinda deff, doncha no. I'll manage afta I get sum resht. 'Night, all."

Tsunade kneels and lies down and quickly falls asleep. Harlequin can't lie down because of obvious problems. Naruto laughs weakly at their folly.

"So how are we going to get through that door _now_?"

"We wait till noon tomorrow. That way, we'll be well rested."

"How 'bout we get this over with at midnight so we don't have to repeat this bullshit. What if there is another trap? C'mon let's get through the portal, so we get this shit done and over with. I wanna start this adventure. I've been blinkered by my annoying superiors which have no significant point and vexed and bothered these irritating fangirls and fanboys who chase me every day."

"The only exception would be Tomoko here, who is actually quite innocent despite her salacious outlook, and has been the president of the Fan Club long before the rumor of the shadow clone gang fuck incident. She's the only female peer I'd like to be around when I do this. The other girls are either too temperamental, too flakey, or too shy. I need a strong individual who's not a total bitch in personal matters or a complete failure on the battlefield. This /pause\ _girl_ is the only one who does anything besides complain or shrivel up!"

"/Weaselly voice\ You _like_ her. How cute. When's the marriage? I can't _wait_ to see the babies."

"What?!?! I t ' s n o t l i k e t h a t ! I s w e a r! S h e ' s n o t l i k e t h a t t o m e ! She's stupid! She tackles me! I d o n ' t l i k e h e r t h a t w a y !"

"Suuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrreeeee ya don't. I'll be sure to use that as an alibi next time someone accuses _me_ of that."

/Lies down, wincing\ /Grins wickedly\

"Oh, be quiet. I'll keep watch."

"/In a hushed, singsong voice\ Naruto and Tomoko, sittin' in a tree. Kay-Eye-Ess-Ess-Eye-Enn-Gee. Furst cumms luv. Then cumms marrege. Then comes baybee in the baybee carrege"

"Shaddap, you!"

/Evil Laugh\

Naruto steadfastly keeps watch his compatriots doze, keeping his eye on the small blue floating fissure. Unknown to him, he is being watched. But, the question is, by whom?

----------------------------------------------To Be Continued—NOT!-------------------------------

**A/N: I'm pulling all out for this one! This cliffhanger is not the signal for the cut-off! There shall be MORE! NOW! YAY ME! **

Training Grounds

Area 44

Forest of Death

Center Tower

Roof

Naruto shakes himself out of a doze. He MUST keep watch! However, there must be a way to keep completely alert, for he can't do this after being awake for over twelve hours just by willing himself to. What can he do? Hmm….

I Spy? No, that's boring, and he's not three. Exercise? He already did that with chipping the salt off of Harlequin. Masturbation? Too messy, someone might wake up, and he jus doesn't do that. How about tickling someone in their sleep? No, his pranking days are over… Dancing? He sucks monkey balls when it comes to dancing. How about daydreaming? He's keeping watch; he can't space out or he'll be off guard.

'**Will you make up your mind? I'm trying to sleep, too. All these silly images from your imagination are rattling my cage a lot. Calm down and think a little less erratically. My nerves don't need to be jarred with your annoying thought processes. Why don't you stare at Tsunade's breasts? That raises your pulse **_**quite **_**a bit.'**

'I'll do that.'

Naruto gazes intently at Tsunade's rack. He nearly jumps as her breath quickens a little, and settles down as it slows.

Tits. Boobs. Tits… Boobs… Watermelons. Fun Bags. Boobies. Sweater meat. Milk lumps, headlights, knockers, bOObs. Tittiesfuckboobiebagslutbangfuckdamnslutsuckfucktittyfuckanalbangslutfuckdamnfingerpussyfuckbangclitfucktitsgropeslutfuck.

'**Oh, GOD! That's even worse!!! Alright, calm down, and **_**please**_** tear your eyes away from Tsunade! Come on, she's more than three times your age, boy!'**

'Oh, Alright. It did help though. I feel much peppier.'

'**Glad you do. Unfortunately, I do too. I can't exactly lay down on a hard-on. How are you managing in that department?'**

'Likewise. Any other tips on staying awake?'

'**Yeah, don't do that again. Instead, why don't you look over how Tomoko's dressed? You always do that when you meet someone.'**

'Good idea'

Naruto looks to Ms. Miterazaki's prone form. It is quite attractive for an eighteen year old girl. The ensemble has been chosen to accentuate the various curves and bends of the young lady's body.

The shirt is a nice dark blue velvet low-rise button-up top, doing well to show off the rather substantial bust. It is shortened at the bottom to reveal a tantalizing belly button ring. The ring has various little dangling bits, with a green jewel as the centerpiece.

The aforementioned skirt is faux leather, stretched tight over wide hips and a shapely butt. It is weakly held by laces on either side. The wide hemp belt positioned around it is placed to set off Tomoko's butt when she walks in a particular way.

Her shoes are black high heels with leather straps racing up her calves. How she could ever chase him in those is beyond Naruto, but that explains why Tomoko fell when she was running on the treetops.

Her face, a truly beautiful work of art, is made radiant by the lightly tan skin, set off by her fiery wavy red hair, which is let down to wind its way down her back past her butt.

If put in a pony tail, that hair would bring the boys running. That's why Ino has to beat the perverts off with a stick.

Naruto blushes as he remembers when he was nine and his modified **Sexy no Jutsu** actually worked in getting him into the kunoichi bath house. Man that was sweet. But somehow those bitches caught on quick. Maybe it was because he was lobster red before he got in the water. Or got the nosebleed when some of the girls got randy and _played_ with each other. That's why it never worked again for him or for anyone else.

'**All right. Enough with the obsession about body parts. Let's have a nice, peaceful, non-cage-rattling watch shift. If I'm correct, the time is 10:27 PM. This should be over if you don't screw up! Be vigilant!'**

And that's what Naruto does for the next hour and a half. When it is nearly time, Naruto wakes up the slumbering party.

"Zzzz--nng, wah? Whaddaya want? Whadd time iz et?"

"Get up Tsunade, and fix your ears, for mercy's sake."

"All-raihd. Ugh"

"/Poke-poke\ Get up you lazy ass. Can't have you doze off. Get your sorry butt up. We need you."

"Fihn, fine. I'm getting' ahp."

"Good. /Turns to the sleeping Tomoko\ Up, sleepy head. You can't stalk me if I'm not here."

"Oh be quiet. You suck."

"That's not nice."

"I was having a nice dream involving me, an island, and you. It was a bit weird, though. There was a guy with a really big key that he kept whacking you with."

"Oooooookay. Well at least there are no weird guys with keys to beat me with out here. Let's get going."

"Allright/Jumps up\"

Harlequin positions himself in front of the shining blue line… and starts to… dance. Like a complete nerd. With crotch rot. And hemorrhoids. And diarrhea.

"What the FUCK?!?! What are you doing?!!"

"My morning calisthenics."

"Will you cut the crap and DO THIS THING ALREADY!!!?/Fumes\"

"No! I c a n ' t o r I h a v e o r g a n p r o b l e m s g o i n g t h r o u g h t h e w a r p !/Begins screaming like a retard while dancing like a nerd with crotch rot, hemorrhoids, and diarrhea\"

"Tsunade, could you please _convince_ him to hurry up? He's trying to get back at me for waking him up."

"No, get someone with less dignity to do it!"

"Please Tsunade. I don't want to end my problems by jumping off a cliff. Dear God, please do me this much of a favor."

Tsunade sighs and walks over to Harlequin. Harlequin eyes her with suspicion. Then she mashes his face into her breasts until he starts to struggle for air. He comes up with hair slightly askew and a strange look on his face.

"You didn't need to do that. You could have just kissed me."

"I'd rather deny you that satisfaction."

"By cheating. Okay, I see the logic. It sucks."

"Right back at ya."

"If you two are quite done with the thinly veiled flirting, there's a new frontier to be reached."

"Right. STAND BACK!"

Harlequin lowers his stance and sets about forming complicated and archaic hand signs and oaths. The **Chants** begin. The man's eyes turn a pitted black and golden chakra spills from the rims of his orifices as he articulates his cosmic will. His voice takes on an ethereal and demonic tone.

"_Rune das ver cadf cheod bas ter Rem-me'nioud geishre baskull cradetailor betre mentes freilect vatchcor. Byeldes cammint svor. Wild'roc Faltisskror. _

The pitch of his already sonorous voice deepens into an unearthly tenor that within it spoke of countless bloody fracas.

"**Gui-del'Muatrie Brodo skal vie truch in bael nas nuuten daagg voi kroisen jaagg. Et brailsen hoor et beilen prach un tuildes cshar quis vuei menes. Re Kuu. Po Shreill, Ungst Zeil. Algervoduum me tvass. MAL'Dek Fuen!"**

"_**NE BUNDISHARR!"**_

Harlequin finishes the **Chants **with a tortured laugh and reaches forth with blackened claws for the now widening blue fissure. He grasps either side with his pointed grip, jerks at it, and rips it wide open. The hole turns white and stabilizes. A murky image of a stairway fills the door, and Harlequin beckons the group to follow him through. Then he steps through. Ripples play about where he disappears.

"Should we really follow him?"

"Sure. What could possibly go wrong?"

"How about you idiots fucking up reality as we know it? Sound good?"

"Let's see: we have an expert in the field of dimension hopping and I have a fox demon with more candles on his birthday cake than most mountains. I think we'll deal just fine."

"Damn. If this kills me, I will come back to kill you too."

"You are the most pessimistic woman I've ever met. And I have a list."

"Jerk."

"No, really. I have a list. /Pulls out a fat-looking scroll and unfurls some of its contents\"

"Hmm. Maybe I should abridge this. It's a bit profane. If I do die from this, I don't want to be remembered as 'The Perverted Census-taker'. My afterlife would be hell. /Puts a hand to his throat, massaging it\"

"I'm sure you'll be fine."

"Quit flip-flopping and I'll be fantastic. Let's go!"

They edge towards the portal, take one last look at the full moon, and take the step forward. A sensation of wetness spills over the three as they emerge from the rip in reality. They observe a smoldering figure, gazing up at a door in the distance.

"H-Harlequin??"

"No. /Turns to face them\ Your worst nightmare."

The malevolent being opens his eyes. They are the color of the deepest pitch black, with shining red lids that look like Hell's own worst creation.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!"

The beast's persona slides backwards, stops as if embedded in something, and begins to morph. Slowly, the facial features disappear, to be replaced with rapidly sprouting hair. Soon, the monster is totally gone, with another figure gazing at the far away door.

"**I hate it when he does that."**

"Um, what?"

"**My ****Shadow****. You observed his visage trying to control my body. I humored him; he hadn't been walked in months. Poor bastard's still homicidal, I'm afraid. Can't blame him. Andariel isn't exactly one to let her consorts go lightly."**

The man turns to face them. He looks like Harlequin, but his ears are elongated, his eyes are a steely gray and glowing, and he has _fangs_.

"**Hello fox-childe. Shamaness. And moon-childe. Welcome to the Glass Staircase. This leads to our destination. I am your guide, Harlequin, but in a more concentrated and pure form. Shall we proceed?"**

They gape at the clear personality change in their friend from lecherous and ostentatious sneak-thief into a terse and gentlemanly demon lord, and at the fact he proceeds up the stairs, unphased by the dangerous outbreak of his **Shadow**. They follow, with thoughts spinning in their heads.

'Uhm, Kyuubi?'

'**What is it this time? I was really enjoying a good dream, too.'**

'Do you know anything about this weird change in Harlequin? He seems… older.'

'**That would be his enlightened form. You see the ultimate truth about a being future when he touches the condensed manifestation of the fabric of reality and succeeds in crossing the border. Usually, you see his sins collect together in a corporeal form first.'**

'Yeah. It looked like him, only ugly and scary. It also got sucked into his back.'

'**Uh oh.'**

'What?'

'**Sins aren't like you or me. They don't exist on this plane of existence, even in the most warped dimension. When they get pulled onto this plane, they gather in a form most suitable for their nature. For most people, and that means about ninety-nine point nine-nine-nine-nine percent of them, get some big blob of mysterious good that attacks the owner's face, trying to pull it off and form a new one, so they have an identity of their own. Those few that get a different manifesto normally see a small imp that screams at and attacks the nearest target, wishing to be the only living being within.'**

'**Upon the manifestation of a form that highly resembles the owner, you should run. It is a separate being called a ****Shadow**** that feeds upon the emotions of others, and will only satiate its thirst when it has sapped the psyche of a ****Giver****Givers**** are basically benevolent beings, short and sweet. ****Shadows**** crave to ravish these loving souls, so as to taste true life. They are also notorious for their powers of infiltrating anything and everything. The container of such a beast is a unlucky bastard and a curse unto himself. The only sustained written record of such an event would be the Infamous Happenings of Irjulus Fausti, or as known to mortals of numerous indigenous realms, The End of Doctor Faust. Basically, an old man of strong spirit and intelligence dabbles in contacting the devil, and instead conjures up his own diabolical twin. Hearspeak and wordsay kinda garbled up the story, but the moral stays the same: don't seek transient pleasures period. As you should know by now, ****Shadows ****are the evilest bastards you'll ever meet. Ever. And if you encounter creatures similarly named or endowed, keep you head low until you know if they are dimensional plague rats or just posers. Honestly, you really never want to meet another bugger like that.'**

'Okay, so they're psychic vampires, essentially. Okay, but how is this problem? Harlequin was able to haul it back in. Where's the danger?'

'**Dear Lord, you're slow to catch up on cerebral matters. If you see a giant, sinewy, snarling cur about to tear out your throat and this strange guy pulls it away by its open muzzle, who are you going to fear more? The untrained beast that nearly tore you to bits, or its owner that took its most dangerous weapon in his hands and lead it away? Harlequin 'walked' a dimensional horror of infinite power and reined it in when you came through with no problem. And he's unphased by the entire ordeal and circumstance. He's either your imminent doom come a' knocking or the saltiest dog ever to grace the roads of man and demon alike. Whatever you do, don't ask questions. This guy, good or bad, has more power than even the King of Hell.'**

'Oy… But what of the King of Heaven? Surely He is comparable to this guy.'

'**Never say such blasphemy again. The King of Heaven -- and exclude all the various posers -- is more than just a being. He is literally everything. And that's the simplest, shortest, and more understandable way to put it. He is unique because he is one. Don't ever compare Him to a mere **_**fragment**_** of Him. That's sort of like comparing you with your ass hairs. Irrelevant and stupid as hell. You must learn reverence if you ever come to face one of His lieutenants. Otherwise, you're gull scrod.'**

'Alright, I get it.'

'**You'd better. Anyways, back toward the subject, keep on your toes. Don't ask questions. And don't ever have sex with him.'**

'What th- Have wha- No! Never! I'm straight!'

'**People similar to this guy can change physical form willingly. On the four first universal planes of reality, he's real as any beings get. So watch your back, and don't mate within a hundred leagues of his presence. The last thing you want is your progeny to be with a guy. In all honesty, I believe this to be unrealistic in your case. Tsunade, however, looks like a likely contender…'**

'Oh boy.'

'**I'll say.'**

'Oh, and you mentioned one's enlightened form is shown when you pass through dimensional portals. Does this mean--'

'**Yes.'**

Naruto looks to his companions. He's stunned by the sight.

'**What do you see?'**

Tsunade has gone through some dramatic changes. Naruto has trouble keeping his eyes still. The Fifth Hokage, while in normal form is already attractive, is truly something else in enlightened form.

Her complexion is now quite tan and luminescent. Her hair is long, lush, and golden-green. Her eyes are like sparkling blue pools of silvery radiance. Tsunade's lips look silky and soft. The generous curves already bestowed upon her are now enhanced; thankfully it is a slight increase, for her blue shirt looks ready to part with a few stitches. She has a shining scar on her left wrist and a red tattoo of the kanji for "moon" on her right fist. The chakra diamond in her forehead is now white and reflective. But the most stunning feature would be that she now had two small _horns_ on either side of her forehead. Small, black, and shiny, they looked not so much like a demonic development as a symbol of hidden power. However, even this—

'**Ugh, wrap it up! I'm gonna be sick from your sentimental indulgences in sappy detail or get a boner, or both. What about Tomoko? I've heard enough about the woman who seems to resemble reflective tape in current circumstances, what about the fangirl? Surely the enlightened form of such a mediocre being will be some kind of comic relief for me /Laughs sadistically\.'**

'I keep forgetting you're a hanyou and you've got a practically diseased sense of humor. Your assumptions can make yo- /Observes Tomoko\ ooooooooooooooooooooooooo'

Dead wrong. That's what Kyuubi's sardonic comment is. It's completely off target. Strangely, there is absolutely nothing mediocre about this girl's enlightened form.

Tomoko's figure, obviously, has seen a dramatic increase in volume. That's the least of it. Her hair is midnight black, with silvery tips. Her skin is well tanned and has an almost perfect complexion. The only break is two opaline lines leading from the bottom of her eyes to halt at her jaw. Her lips are full and soft, though an odd luminescence pervades them, along with a white-ish hue to them. Her hands look slim and elegant, like a Hyuuga's, with an additional feature: talons. Not the birdy, gross kind. They seem strangely non-protuberant and oddly beautiful. Her ears are now long, slim and pointed, with green flames dancing around the tips. Her eyes are red, and pupiless, for some reason. Sort of like a Hyuuga's and Uchiha's eyes combined. No tomoes, though, so she wouldn't be an Uchiha. And Hyuugas have pastel lavender eyes, not red. So how does she ultimately get those? It's really strange and—

'**Augh! Your brain is rattling my cage again!! Will you keep organized in that moldy noodle you call a mind case?!!!'**

'Sorry, I just got caught up. Her eyes shouldn't be able to do that. Tsunade has blue chakra and uses it extensively, so her eyes and hair are within reasoning. But Tomoko's are totally weird! Only those with **Kekkei Genkai** can have unique colorings like that in their eyes!'

'**No fuck-in' way, Cap-m' Obvious!'**

'You mean-'

'**Yup.'**

'She is-'

'**Uh-hunh' **

'Some weird off-shoot of the Hyuuga clan? You're kidding!'

'**/Deadpans\ And I thought you had it.'**

'What? What?!?' I thought that was the answer!'

'**You're just going to have to find out on your own. Not that it'll take long. Here's a little hint: Who is the bipolar opposite of this girl? Surely you're that observant.'**

'Okay, lessee… Tomoko's flamboyant, horny, outgoing, instantaneous, fun, and girly. So the person opposite her would be modest, prudent, shy, thoughtful, calm, and a sexually bland. That's Hinata, and I've seen very little of her lately. Always says studies are piling up, and there are notes on her door that say she's away on some mission or another. I don't see how this fits. They are opposites. One is constantly popping up while the other is constantly away.'

'**How 'bout the fact that you never see them near each other, never on the same day, and they are both attracted to you.'**

'Hinata likes me? I thought she just obsessed about me and was an admirer.'

'**To the blunt and untrained eye, yes. But if you know the standard human psyche, you know what this girl's thinking. I know.'**

'But they are just—aw why am I so stupid?!? I shoulda seen it before!'

'**Better not be another idiotic conclusion of yours, or I'm taking your brain hostage so you can be what you really aspire to: a mongoloid that shits himself and drools on people.'**

'/Ignoring threat\ I think I've got it. Hinata is Tomoko.'

'**Wow, let's give him a medal for his first cohesive thought! Well done/Inner Clapping\'**

'But this makes Hinata really emotionally unstable, switching between avoiding eye contact and being a total party girl. What the fuck?!?'

'**Bust her bubble and she'll stabilize. You are right in the fact that a human being, or any sentient life-form for that matter, can truly have two faces. Especially in circumstances of extended timelines. I suggest after the leap.'**

'Good idea. However, let's do it over a course of hours, and not spring the revelation at the drop of a hat.'

'**Another valid point. Is your brain working again? I'm hearing unfamiliar noises in here, so that's an easy yes.' **

'Better get to the real world. Good day.'

Unbeknownst to Naruto, they had reached the door seen on their entry into this strange place. Conveniently, Harlequin had waited for the dialogue to end, being a polite, if invasive, telepath.

"**Alright, people. We are about to reach the first world you'll enter of your own free will. When you pass through, know that there is such thing as motion sickness in this sort of travel. In other words: all newbies to this form of transportation vomit on the way out of their natural habitat. Also note that locals **_**will**_** know your unfamiliar presence at first glance. Don't ever try to act before listening. It will keep you from making a bad first impression. If you're ready, let's go!"**

Harlequin bounds to the door, twists the knob and opens it. He then beckons and passes through. Tsunade leaps after him, Tomoko bringing up the rear. Naruto steps up to the door, takes one final look back, and enters the new world.

The familiar rush surrounds him, and feels a tug upon his torso, and he surfaces. What he sees he doesn't quite understand. A giant key, coming at him full speed, intent on causing pain. And that's what it did before Naruto is knocked unconscious.

------------------------------------------------To Be Continued!--------------------------------------

Whew! That was long! Over 36,000 words! Yay me! Review to see more Naruto crossover-ing goodness!

Please participate in the polls, they are massively important. They are deciding points on various articles of the story. If you want Naruto to start on Hinata, or to take it slow, say so before things get bland.

Reviews help the story along! I'll need fifteen reviews on this chapter, or I'll hold off until Saint Patrick's Day!!!! I know, it's mean of me, but I'd like you guys to actually tell me your opinions, for they truly do matter.

Remember Hinata's identity crisis; the one about her purpose in life? My purpose in life is to entertain, and I want to please you guys. I don't want to just hurl crap I like at you. I want to jot down stuff you are interested in seeing into the story.

I need fifteen reviews (in total, not just after this submission, so you can relax a little) to get an idea of what you want. I know the mystique and controversy drew you in, and I want to add to that. I want to make this story as big as life, and the readers are the ones who add to its dimension. I love you guys, and I want to get my story down, with or without delays. So, if you don't want to review, don't worry—it'll just come later.

To the more outstanding reviewers, I'll mention you in chapter four. I always give in return.


	4. The View Has Changed

Alright, I think it's about time to tell you people what's up.

This fic is cancelled. That's correct, it's scrapped.

It's been over two years and this fic sucks eggs. It's nigh unbelievable I wrote something this crappy, but, then again, I was of a more… inexperienced mindset.

Whilst this is still better than the preachy, weird crap that's coming out these days from the standard bunch of semi-retarded preteens and the creepier group of virgin perverts, I can't bear to continue this shitfest. It's damn horrible, it's plastic, and the action script pisses me off. It's become so emotionally disturbing to look at my own work that I can't get past the opening paragraphs.

And so I must call it quits on this. If you've thought that this fanfic is awesome, please get a life and read some real books; you insult your own intelligence by thinking this is something to sing praises about. If you've got a problem with me saying this, please reread the fic and tell me- is this something you'd pay good money for?

I ask this because I'm attempting to reach professional quality with my writing, and having a collective group of people telling me this piece of crap is awesome certainly doesn't tell me how to get better, or even what's good about this story.

So I'm cutting this loose.

Hell, Harlequin, my first actual OC, doesn't really fit in this world; he's supposed to be this grand trickster, a near godlike pest that manipulates everything and everybody. And there's supposed to be this rivalry between him and his enigmatic brother, the so-dubbed Scaramouche, the leader of the grandest army across most of existence. I was going to have it play out as they clash and butt heads, undercutting and getting a foot over each other. There was going to be this element of Harlequin having a history and a nature as an unwilling servant, a slave to destiny and others, despite his abilities(then again, he gets stronger or wilier to deal with every situation, and the bar for entrapment in service get higher and higher.), and Scarmouche would be this roughshod leader that was the bastard father of many. Then there's the part about life and death between the two: Scaramouche dies, but always fights back into the land of the living, whereas Harlequin, when he dies, turns into a masque(when in such a state, the Harlequin masque would inevitably travel across many lands, passed from hand to hand and sometimes placing in holding, until either someone found and donned the masque(situationally, the person is always worthy), or the masque was burned. With the burning, the spirit of Harlequin would unite with reality. Upon someone showing the same mindset and personality of Harlequin, the being that is Harlequin would be reborn in that person. Existentially and philosophically, this will send more than a few people for a loop.). Everything beyond that is a hash of convoluted schemes and other such lovely things, from afar looking like some grand play being put on for all of Creation.

But this story is going to be taken to and kept at Fiction Press. This whole deal and all its wonders will stay within that, and I won't abuse the more sensible masses with my horrorshow of an OC in anyone else's mindchild…

No, I'm not taking this down. As painful as it is, I'd like people to see where I came from and where I ended up. Sucks, I know, but it's better than the crappy alternative of having people say I'm hiding shit from them, which would inevitably lead to a bigger shitstorm than I could have ever wanted…

And with that, I bid you people goodbye. I'm working on a new Naruto fanfic, and it's not going to suck. Why? Because I'm not going to fall for the melodramatic shit parade displayed with shame here.

So Yeah. Bye.


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